How a friend called me Honey badger!
In almost a year ago, I struggled hard to survive from my lowest point of life. Everything turned out difficult and wrong. I got hit by continuous problems and they never stopped crushing on me. Hence, I was tend to wake up late hoping a day would fly much quicker.
Those who have passed quarter of their life and even half of century might know exactly how I felt. You’re right. Quarter life crisis hit me pretty bad. More likely to say, it forced me to foresee what reality meant by facing not running nor hiding.
To love or to be loved?
This was an entry stage to kick off 2018. Not only I had to move on after almost 4 years of relationship, but I also had to lose such warmth and safety given by his families and friends.
This might be a different story from others as I lived alone in the city. Yes, I was really attached and rattled that half of my comfort zone had to be cutoff.
I used to believed that committing to your significant other for certain years despite any flaws happened from both sides was a form of seriousness to build a grey-and-old-together kind of future. But I was wrong.
Years never count when it comes to intimacy. Not even an inch.
During my hard times, someone told me “whoever falls in love first, loses.” So, shall a woman love or to be loved? Instead of finding out the answers, I preferred to let time heal the wounds just like an old adage said.
Half-year later, I met a man who could bring back so much energy and vibrant colors to my life. He helped me pass through all my shortfall and cross off some of my 2019 goals . Lucky me.
Define beauty?
Undeniably speaking, I believe most Asian girls define beauty as “skinny means pretty.” This includes restricting calories, trying different types of diet, hitting gym almost every single day, even fasting with a sense of religion-wise. Hey girls, count me in. I did the same!
Have you met someone who could barely eat anything yet still gain weight? Or eat too much yet still slim down? Metabolism played such a significant role in determining one’s ultimate weight. I did not realise that till my past diets have caused me to a very slow metabolism and I discovered my three hours at muay-thai course slowly healed the effect.
But then, there was a moment when I was too tired to start over and I ended up binging. Mon dieu! I became gaining so much pounds and lost my confidence. I even hated looking at mirror a bit longer ever since.
I hated my body and I ignored what self-acceptance meant.
From corporate to startup.
In 2016, I started my first career at a well-distinguished corporate office in Indonesia. It was such a bliss that I had given a chance to be the part of key members in sales and marketing department as a fresh graduate. A year later, I obtained a cross promotion to step out to the pretty fresh built division. Honestly speaking, it was a typical rare condition where employee in corporate industry could have a chance to climb over another ladder.
But I knew that was not a luck but a reward instead. I always believed hard work always paid off no matter how long it would take.
Long story short, nothing went smooth. I received a recognition addressing that I was the luckiest who only worked with pretty face and no brain. This became much worse when I got heavier workloads and bigger responsibilities knowing nobody would ask a hand to assist. It’s ironic when I found a fact that some have been playing “games” to get whatever they wanted. But still, it’s interesting how this thing did exist in my life.
On any given day, I caught up with old friends to share my current condition. At first, they shared a lot of cynical insights on work life balance. Some also advised me to try out experience at startup industry and said,
“Young age + manageable workloads + sexy startup = above average salary. Nice deal for having a lil stress in life.”
We ended up having a little choke of laughter.
Few months later, I left that stable job and worked at a fresh startup. This remarked such a no-good turning point in my life.
The startup was still on the pre-seed funding, with a hope to grow by branding aspects while preparing its products to launch.
On my first day, I was so shocked about how messy the startup was. Everything was disorganized in a sense that it’s just started couple months ago. Without any proper introduction and limited details, I was asked to create and submit a project plan to “boom the market”. Oh dude, my day one was full of beans!
Knowing that I was lack of knowledge on the industry, I asked a basic 5W+1H to my colleagues and the founder. Surprisingly, they replied: “It’s now your job to find out the answers.”
I thought it was normal for me to be taken aback by their feedback as I came from corporate industry. I startled to catch up the phase but it didn’t turn no good.
I wished to resign on my day one, but I ended up not to.
To cut it short, my days became so much worse. Therefore, I slept late and rose at the crack of dawn every morning to do more and more research on the industry.
But still, bad comments hit me pretty hard. One day, the founder told me:
I think you’re not capable of doing this job. I guess you’re not belong to work at startup knowing your work culture did not match any.
There was not a murmur nor even small tone . It was loud and clear.
Still feeling mixed and belittled, I chose to step my game up. Neither his comments made me feel wrong as I knew I was doing on the right track.
However, there must be a reason why he could have said so.
I began to question myself over and over which to improve hoping good days were about to come. But deep down inside, I was buried in guilt. I hated myself living in uncertainties whether I might have taken wrong decision to experience this rally. As failing to cope up with stress management, all I did was blaming myself that I was never doing good enough.
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One fine day, a friend of mine sent me a picture of honey badger. What a cute animal but fierce when it opened its mouth. Another text popped up stating “You guys look exactly similar, but in a positive way. Stay strong like a honey badger.”
I did not know what he truly meant till I googled and found out “Honey badger doesn’t give a crap, it takes what it wants.” Oh great, although I might be poor at facing uncertainties, I did not run nor hide. At least, I still looked straight ahead finding the better way out instead of crying over nights and barely stood still.
Now, I am glad to have them in the midst of my quarter life. I am grateful to get hit by this sooner rather than later. Uncertainties make us confused and suffered yet direct us to be a better mankind.
Mind sharing your quarter life story as well?
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